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“God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything.”

“God is greater than our heart, and he knows everything.”

1 John 3:20

Do you ever get angry and wonder or say, “when is it my turn?”, “when will I live in peace and be happy?”, “God, why do those who do such wrong get to live such great lives while I suffer?”

We are human. It’s very normal as a human for us to feel this way in the flesh. It’s human nature for us to want to be happy, for us to question why those who do wrong are given the gifts of happiness, yet we struggle maybe financially, spiritually, mentally, physically, or even just for simplicity in our daily lives. Remember though, God never promised us it would be easy, he promised us that if we serve according to HIS commandments and ways, we will be greatly rewarded in Heaven, in our eternal life.

Striving to be a positive person can become exhausting, it’s during those times that we must take time out for ourselves and time to be alone with our feelings, thoughts, emotions, and yes, with God.

Taking time each day to thank God for what you do have is so beneficial. Taking the time to acknowledge you are human and your feelings are normal is very helpful for you mentally and emotionally. During that time you are able to work through your feelings and emotions. Gather yourself so to speak. Maybe during that time you can pray, journal your prayers, listen to calming music, or just be. Be with the silence.

Being with silence is the biggest challenge I have faced.

Silence can be frightening. You can hear your thoughts (at least for me), you may become overwhelmed. For these reasons I suggest easing into it by getting to know yourself.

What do I mean by that exactly? Do you really know yourself or do you know versions of yourself?

Let’s take a look at my life, because honestly those are the examples I can give on a first hand basis. I know, and knew myself as a mother, a manager, then a grandmother, always a caretaker of others, a wife for a huge part of my life, a sister, and someone who everyone counted on. That was the “me” I knew. That wasn’t really me though. Those were parts of me, phases, stages, pages, and chapters. Ever changing, rearranging, evolving, growing, and out of sight with my inner self.

Yes, I will always be a mother, because I have children. I will always be a grandmother, because I have grandchildren. I will always be a sister, because I have siblings. The parts of me that I would not always be nor need to be were a wife, because divorce happens, a manager, because jobs come and go, a caretaker, because eventually I needed to learn to take care of myself, and mostly, I needed to learn who I was internally. I also needed to learn what God wanted me to know about me.

You see at different stages of your life, God wants you to hear different things. Are you listening? I know I wasn’t. The stress from my childhood, teenage years, twenties through upper thirties, I only heard chaos and my own mission. I made my own plans. I knew God was there. How else was I surviving the messes in my life? It must have been through and only by the grace of God.

After my 2013 breakdown, many therapy sessions, time with my sons, and daughter in law (now one of my best friends), it was then, that I truly learned to slow down and “just be”. Let go and give it to God. Stop planning. I needed help. I needed a lot of help. I needed mental help and spiritual help. Although ready for it, I wasn’t ready to seek out a pastor nor a church, just not yet!

I was learning how to cope with catastrophic thinking, bearing the thought of sitting in silence, going to the park alone and not feeling as though everyone was looking at me. I began to journal. I began to pray.

Then life happens again and again and you change. Curve balls are thrown and you are challenged. You begin to question yourself again. God, what did I do to deserve all of these illnesses I’m being diagnosed with? I questioned it at first so many times. Upon realizing there is a bigger plan. Bigger than myself. I may suffer, I may not be happy about it, but I can research, be my own advocate, and every day I can try again.

Then another curve ball. God why am I going through another failed relationship? I knew it was doomed but I also knew I could settle through it.

God why is my mother sick? Why does she need me so much while I’m also suffering? Why God why?

Then you watch the “whys” fall into place.

Something I’d not been, a good daughter! So as mentioned in previous blogs, I step up along with my oldest son and take care of my ailing mother, until the day she goes to be with the Lord. Prior to those 8 months of constant care, she and I were beginning to build a bond that we had never had. During the last eight months of her life God gave me a gift. The gift of being a good daughter. The gift of being able to forgive. The gift of taking care of my mother. All the while I was dealing with a separation and divorce and getting through it. God was giving me strength. God was giving me so much.

During the two years prior, I had begun going to church on a semi regular basis. I was praying consistently. I had a very strong spiritual grasp on life as well as a strong church family.

Then there’s Ed’s polycythemia Vera diagnosis of 2019. I do not question God. I pray. I remain faithful to God's word and I know things will be okay.

Then comes 2020 with COVID-19, I did not question God. I get through all of 2020 with several new autoimmune disease diagnoses, I don’t question God. I continue to pray. Pray for others mainly. I continue to advocate. Advocate for myself, advocate for others and invisible illnesses via social media.

Now here we are in 2021, nearly half through the year. I have dealt with over a year of COVID quarantine, basically the world has.

Nothing about 2020 was “normal, even while pushing through. By April 2021, I will have dealt with two sprained ankles, a broken toe, food poisoning, continued gastroparesis flares, additional autoimmune issues, and the only question I continue to ask God is, “when will I ever feel true happiness and joy?”

Not from my children, not from my grandchildren, not from being an advocate, not from being well one day, but true happiness. When will I feel like I am truly loved by someone other than my children, grandchildren, daughter-in-laws, aunt, cousin, a few other family members, and friends?

When is it my turn to have that happiness that I see from others? The spark in their eyes? The connection that you can instantly see is there?

I hear God say,”Be still, be patient” just be.”

Again I remind myself that I am here for a purpose and though it may not be what I long for it to be,it is God’s will, not mine. It is all in God’s timing, not mine. I am only to be still and wait. I am to continue to pray, be thankful for the blessings that have been bestowed upon me. I am to help others, be a reflection of Jesus’ grace as best I can, spread the Word, and keep growing into me.

I remain humble with a heart full of love to give. I remain optimistic with a heart full of hope.

There is a song I believe that says "She loves me like Jesus does."

That's the love I long for in this lifetime.

The only love I have ever known to be that true is from my puppies. I miss them so much. In a dog's eyes, you honestly can do no wrong when you love them. They love you back, unconditionally. Loving without conditions is one of the absolute most beautiful things I have ever heard of.

He Is Patient- 2 Peter 3:8-9

“ But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.”

God Directs- Proverbs 16:9

“ In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.”

His Timing- Ecclesiastes 3:1

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens”

Live For Today-Proverbs 27:1

“ Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring.”

Hope And A Future- Jeremiah 29:11-12

“ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.”

Wait Quietly- Lamentations 3: 25-26

“The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.”

Submit To Him- Proverbs 3:5-6

“ Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

FULL DISCLOSURE

We all have feelings and we are all allowed to express them in ways that we know how as long as it is safe. This happens to be one of my safe places.

This blog is a place where I can share my experiences, feelings, thoughts, and much more. Over the last several months I have dealt with an increase of depression, therefore, I've made several adjustments in my life. One was being absent from this blog.

I do hope that if any of my readers, subscribers, or followers that may be suffering from depression or know someone that is, please seek help. Their are many ways to do so.

There are hotlines, texts, tele-visits, and if you feel you are in danger of harming yourself or someone else, please contact emergency services immediately. I AM NOT A DOCTOR. I do hope the below resources may help and you can easily search this blog to read more about depression if you would like.

As always, thank you for reading. Please like, comment, subscribe, and share!

Sources for crisis assistance:

SAMHSA’s National Helpline – 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

https://www.mentalhelp.net/depression/when-to-seek-professional-help

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. 

Colorful Chaos The Journey

Not everything is always in black and white. Join us on our journey as we battle incurable invisible illnesses. We are seeking mental freedom as we prepare to unwind and unravel amongst nature. We raise awareness for Polycythemia Vera and Invisible Illnesses such as Mental Health, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Fibromyalgia, Diabetes, along with a variety of other “silent” struggles that we may deal with along the way. We are not going to let these illnesses hold us down. During our journey we need support. The support of each other, family, friends, followers, readers, and fellow, adventures! Enjoy our photography and stories. You can support us through PayPal and our Esty Shop!

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