Sometimes we settle for less than we deserve in relationships because of self-esteem issues or insecurities—and sometimes, we don't even realize we're settling. ... In healthy relationships, you'll never feel like you're compromising your values or worth.
I’ve done this "settling" thing my entire life. I continue to do this.
From food, to furniture, to vehicles.
I even know why I do this. The question is, how do I break my own patterns and the chains that bind?
Why I Settle
My settling comes from low self esteem, the feelings of being inadequate, and fear of abandonment, as well as the fear that if I don't have something then and there it will not be available and become a missed opportunity.
Who cares any longer. Maybe a missed opportunity is a blessing in disguise, right?
I’m not afraid to be alone. How is that possible? I’m quite content, even happy when I’m alone.
The several times throughout my life when I have been single, it’s been a relief. No one to lie to me, no one to expect anything from me, no one to except anything from, no one to answer to, I come and go as I please, I can have whatever animals that I want, keep my grandkids when I want, watch what I want, you get it. Then there is this “happily ever after” picture in my head of having that lifetime partner that “completes” everything.
It Must Be Me
Truth of the matter is, in my life, it’s not that easy. It never has been. I believe I’m too complicated. I listen to what people say too much, I’m always on guard, I’m always waiting for that “other shoe to drop”. Self sabotage or just reality?
I think sometimes a little of both. I strive to be a pleaser, a perfectionist, the perfect mother, the perfect Nana, the perfect partner.
It’s all so exhausting at times. Being a mother and Nana come naturally, being a partner is the hard part. I’m not sure I’ve met a man yet that truly appreciates the true efforts of me! The cleaning, cooking, honesty, laughter, attention, affection, my "colorful chaos"!
I give a lot and in turn I don't expect much.
I struggle emotionally to be understood, to be heard.
I ask a lot of questions for clarification. Often times I here someone I'm with tell a story several times one way and then tell it again in front of someone else another way.
Why should I not question that?
Maybe, just maybe it’s normal to ask questions in a relationship.
Maybe sometimes we don’t like the answers we receive, does that mean we don’t ask the questions?
How do you truly get to know someone and build a great bond with them, grow with them, if you just “exist” with them?
I can’t, I don’t know about you.
I don’t like feeling emotional, I don’t like feeling vulnerable, I don’t like being misunderstood, I don’t like any of the feelings I have been feeling.
Life is hard enough and relationships are hard enough. Relationships are complicated, sometimes messy. Most people use the excuse, “I’m just set in my ways”.
I say, "I understand how I am, but I'm working on me!"
Being Drained From Emotions
I’ve worked hard on me, changing my ways, accommodating others, working at 50/50. I’m tired of settling! I’m tired. I’m tired of feeling unappreciated. I’m tired of feeling misunderstood. I’m tired of feeling as though I can’t be who I am.
Learning To Love Me
I’ve come a long way to love me. I love me! I love my attitude, I love my resilience, I love my grace, I love my optimism, I love that I am an overcomer, I love that I am a great mom, a great Nana, and I am tolerant of a lot of things, but I will no longer live to settle.
My Next Self Journey
I have to find a way to make the things I need a priority, that will include my emotional support, my happiness, my well-being, and not-settling! I will begin this venture today and begin to change the way I approach life. I will work on my self-confidence, my self-worth, my right not to settle.
This blog may be very personal, however, there are many that just settle. Breaking the patterns and chains is the hard part. Standing up for yourself is the hard part. Saying, " I am worthy ", is the hard part!
You are worthy, I am worthy, we don't deserve less than what we bring to the table! It does not have to be the same entree, but it does have to be the same effort.
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Remember, not everything is always in black and white, we live in a very colorful and complex world. That doesn't mean we can't set boundaries though.
Love yourself first!