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The Child Within

She tries to remain calm, it has taken her years of therapy to realize that she even exists. She fights this feeling of anxiety, then it turns to sadness. She often feels let down. That’s the reason she hides, that’s why she is so defensive at times. That is the reason why she stays in fight or flight mode. She does not understand.

She has a history of having outbursts. Many could see the rage within her if someone was not agreeable or did not see eye to eye. Almost as a spoiled brat, she would have tantrums and stomp off, not wanting to address the issues at hand. She had a point to prove, she was an overachiever, an overworked, under appreciated and un-respected girl.

Fighting herself and the chaotic mind, while attempting to control her emotions, her actions, her reactions. That was the reality of her world.

Little did she know that what she was dealing with and trying to protect or what was trying to protect her was her “inner child”.

Years of trauma, neglect, abuse, led up to this. This little hurt girl, the one who was always looked at as being “Super Woman”.

Until the day she broke.

That little girl, she was me, she is me!

Learning about my “inner child” was complex.

The term “inner child”, comes from the psychiatric world, books written by John Bradshaw, Margaret Paul, and Erica Chopich discuss the theory and “reprogramming” of the inner child.

The inner child is thought to be a semi-independent “subpersonality” subordinate to the waking conscious mind.

In lament terms, childhood trauma can cause repressed memories and emotions. This turns into an “inner child”, that lies within and holds on to that trauma that is not properly dealt with.

Dealing with the hurt and emotions can be tricky.

I know that I didn’t want to feel those emotions. I did not want to recall those memories. As I worked through EMDR (eye movement desensitisation & reprocessing), my anxiety heightened and I opted out of continued EMDR therapy.

Talking to my therapist, I found was a better way to deal with this “inner child”. As time has gone by, I’m still learning. I am learning to understand that not everything is my fault, people are people and they too have their own trauma and issues to deal with.

I can only deal with myself. I can’t fix others. I can now set boundaries. I can accept constructive criticism, I can sit with my feelings longer or not react so quickly, I’m learning to give relationships a little more of an effort instead of walking away and I am learning when to walk away after giving too much effort.

She doesn’t react so abruptly, this makes her appear nonchalant. She doesn’t talk so loud any longer. She doesn’t press the issues anymore. She can walk away from arguments. She can love herself the way she is!

Little girl, me, self, I love you! I love that you are honest, brave, growing, not ashamed of where you have been, what you have gone through and where you are going. Good job self, good job.

Whether you believe in this “inner child” theory or not, we all have something within us that causes us to react or deal with ourselves and others in a matter that is acceptable and not acceptable.

Ask yourself where that comes from. Is that the “inner child” in you?

I’m not a professional by any means. I’m still learning myself, the medical terms, definitions, etc., my goal here is to share some of my experiences and to bring awareness.

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