I want to begin by clarifying that this blog is a little different. I am expressing my views on various relationship behaviors, some of my own wants, needs, dreams, and thoughts…… This is not a bashing blog by any means
Please join me and my chaotic mind on this journey of babble!
Does being in a relationship, automatically mean that because you love someone, you give up certain dreams and wants? That's not really compromise, is it?
Compromise is merely settling differences where each person is making concessions. Is it a compromise if you put your feelings, wants or needs on the back burner just to meet your partners needs and attempt to live happily?
These are questions that I wrestle with, along with undeniable feelings. Am I being too judgmental? Why do I worry? Why do I get anxiety? Why do I concern myself with things I cannot change nor was I a part of? These questions, honestly should not even be questions at all.
When you choose to be in a relationship, you do not fully know your partner, their past, their likes, dislikes, etc. Unless you were friends for a very long time before and very close. Their previous chooses have no baring on you and should not reflect upon you. Past acquaintances may know them in one light from years ago, when you know them in another from current days. People change, situations change, people grow, their wants and needs increase and decrease. We all turn the pages of our lives by the days and end up in new chapters by the years. If you are not changing, you are not growing.
The older we grow the more baggage we come with. we all come with some amount, whether it be a handbag, a carry on, or a luggage set. Sometimes, I imagine the men I have been in a relationship with, forgot to pick up their luggage at the baggage claim for several flights, then subsequently remembering it all at once, transported it home for me to unpack. While I was unpacking, out came their demons and secrets, yet, a variety of other luggage they must have saved for a later date filled with lies and other horrors. How am I supposed to deal with of it all at once? Overwhelming, huh?
I am not declaring women do not come with baggage. I do, and lots of it. I come with a history of insecurities, and a hefty amount of abandonment issues, trust issues, and candidly throughout my lifetime an abundance of let downs. Despite it all, I believe in a happily ever after ending.
No, I am not expecting a prince charming to rescue me. I rescued myself a long time ago. I want a mutual partnership full of love and meaning. I am confident I have stumbled upon it. Though, I remain confused and bothered by some matters that come along with a partner’s past, then ease their way over into the present during conversations, potentially streaming along to the future. These matters could ultimately affect me.
I have read up on them, I have talked to my psychologist about them, I have deliberated them from beginning to end, I can't shake them. Does this make me a "head case"?
I undoubtedly understand "IT IS THE PAST". If one wants it to stay there, maybe, just maybe, an abundance of information should not be shared in such a way it appears to be bragging.
My views of such may be a little different than others. I feel some history is relevant to discuss and other, not so much. Some of you may agree or choose to disagree with me. Either way, I would greatly appreciate your feedback.
The First Topic:
I have difficulty being with someone that has a history of being promiscuous. Everyone’s needs, wants, views, and circumstances differ. It's just not what I am comfortable with. In my view, a person should not be going out seeking just sex. I find it repulsive and dirty. I am terrified of STD's. Something I hold sacred is sharing myself. I do not partake in having "relations" with strangers, nor do I condone it. It's just my style. An angel I am not. No judgement to others, unless I am sleeping with you, and if I know your history beforehand, you can bet we aren’t going in that direction. If you must ask the question, NO, I have never just been with a stranger. I have known every person that I been with, even if it was for a short period of time. They were not strangers. I am not promiscuous, and I do my best to hold myself to higher standards. I know I cannot change a partner’s past. I must deal with it or move on. My way of dealing with it is to pretend like it never happened. That is so immature of me.
In this case, clearly you cannot holds someone's previous encounters against them. Just as the Bible says about love, it is patient, kind, forgiving, it holds no grudges, keeps track of no wrongs, it is unconditional, it does not boast nor envy. Moving on.....
The next topic:
I wrestle with a partner consistently talking about their past relationships, to a certain degree, I want to know factors about your past, but not graphics of your intimacy, the fun times, the bad times, and even the continued friendships with your exes. If you enjoyed certain sexual acts with them or meeting their needs, and we do not share the same intimacy or passion, maybe we are not a good fit. We should have enough of our own chemistry, passion and honestly to express our own needs to one another, not by giving examples of what a previous partner did to please you the best, how good they are at it. I also don’t want to hear about how you pleased them intimately. Your thoughts should be on pleasing me, getting to know my needs and wants and letting me know what you like. This is “our” relationship, not a threesome. I don’t share. I have never been good at it.
If it was so satisfying with them, then move along, go back, don't waste anymore of my time. Consider giving them their second or third shot. They are on your mind for a reason. Obviously, you are showing unresolved feelings.
All you are doing is making me compare myself to them. Certainly, comparison is something women do, and it causes insecurity, not jealousy, and not only for the woman, but also in the relationship. It tends to lead to conflict, resentment, and can shutdown communication. It can shut down a healthy sex life or what could have been one. Unless I ask, I don't care. Don't bring that into our relationship. I don’t need those images roaming around in my already chaotic head. If you are over them, let that mess go, move on, it didn't work out for a reason. I am not a rebound, nor an option.
Giving your past relationship(s) more effort in any area over your current relationship, then consistently speaking about it, can also put your current relationship in jeopardy, it sounds like you miss them and are do you know you are not making the same efforts in your current relationship?
Explicitly giving details about how much you have done for them or with them or given to them materialistically and emotionally, it seems they got the very "best of you". What’s left of you to give in your current relationship?
On the continued subject of those exes, wooooo, hot topic here….
Do I feel that it is necessary to hold on to those past relationships? Are there children involved? How old are they? If children are over the age of 18 years old, minimal contact is needed, if there are no children involved, why do you need contact? Why are you continuing that relationship?
Okay, say they were the truest friend in the world, you were once in an intimate relationship with them, you shared feelings, did you reflect upon how this would bring about uncertainties and reservations with your partner? How much do they really know about your relationship and are they respectful of that relationship? Are you even respecting your relationship? Have you introduced them to partner? How much contact are you really having with them? Are you calling them "babe" or "honey"? What exactly are you talking about? What do you have to talk about? What is the basis of your "friendship"? Is there still an attraction there on either part? Is flirting going on?
I am not instructing to cut all ties nor giving ultimatums here, I am just pointing out that it seems very selfish, disrespectful, and tacky to some degree. Couples can have their own friends from each gender, be open about it, why all the exes though? Couples should be building relationships with other couples or including their partner in at least some of the activity with these other "friends". Why the two separate lies per say?
If your relationship is serious and your partner is a big part of your life, especially someone you have been with for more than 6 months, does it not appear a little shady that they have not met these “ex-girlfriends” that are now just “friends”, by which you currently carry on a relationship with?
What if the shoe were on the other foot, doesn't this sound slightly dis-courteous and ill-mannered? If it doesn't, then you are a rare breed! You are handling it much better than most men and women would for that matter, or you just don’t give a care....
This is not a jealousy issue, it sounds like it, right? Maybe insecurity? Am I looking at it wrong? If there is trust, should this even be something to talk about? It is bizarre? I have male friends, I would happily introduce my partner to; however, I chose to not carry on such a "friendly" relationship with them once I became involved in what I think is a serious relationship. I just saw it as a respect issue.
Am I being unrealistic and too needy or emotional? Is it because I think more conservatively? I see myself as a very respectful and humble person. I have simple expectations, wants, and needs. They consist of a full partnership. I want a friend, a lover, a protector, someone I can trust, someone that does not make me feel insecure, someone that looks at me like they have never looked at anyone else, a man that is proud to be with me, a man that does not want to fix or change me. I want a man that believes in God, I want a man that is open to getting married (to me) and stay that way for the rest of his life, a man who is interested in getting to know my children and grandchildren, someone outgoing, a man that loves physical touch, talking, a great supporter, communicator, a man that is loyal.
Make me your priority as much as I make you one! Are you my teammate or not? Remember I am choosing you as my partner too.
At one time in my life, I had a list, YES, a list. I wanted everything on that list too, like some little schoolgirl, I would check each item off one by one, if there was an inkling or a sign that someone, I met was going to turn into a friendship that may lead to a relationship. I wanted to get it right the next go round. Was I expecting too much? In hindsight, absolutely I was.
I've come to realize, over the age of 40, all that baggage from previous relationships, not only effects women, its effects men. They are scared of commitment, they are scared of relationships, defining them, introducing you to their friends and family, being optimistic about relationships, they assume all women are out for money and are out to use them (in most of my conversations and experiences with men), they don't necessarily want to marry, because the divorce rates are higher than the success rates, it's easier to believe in failure rather than success. They are just as damaged as women. They have been let down too. They are truly jaded.
This is what we, older women must deal with. In the blink of an eye, it goes from the young wild men in their 20's, to the "I'm going to settle down, have kids, get married and be faithful" men in their 30's, to the scorned, divorced, taken advantage of men in their 40's and above. Some of these men blame their wives for their cheating habits, the lies they have told, and cause for the demise of the relationship. I know this statement is NOT 100% accurate and nor does it apply to all circumstances. It's just an accurate statement for some of my observations.
Yes, women do the same things too, you better believe it. One gender is honestly no better than the other.
So, what happens to my dreams, my needs, my wants? Am I settling for half of it? I am quite happy in my relationship. I am with someone that is a good communicator, I believe he is trustworthy, he is supportive, he is intelligent, he is handsome and much more. Where does that leave marriage? Is it on the table or off the table? Our views differ greatly.
Realistically, am I doing either one of us justice by giving up my wants or needs? How long do I really take to decide if I am going to be okay with a dream that may not come true? I am not growing younger. I don't want to be resentful. I absolutely refuse to push the issue because I won’t be resented. I don't want to jump the gun either. I also do not want to give up my relationship and what we share.
There is no answer right now, there just isn't. It's living for the moments. Breaking your own rules for someone else. Love is interesting, an indescribable feeling almost. An undefinable word for most.
I am not ready for marriage today, let's get that straight!
Preferably a 2-year engagement would be a starting point. This appears to be a reasonable time period to know if you handle a true marriage, you don't even have to set a date during this time. Some men think women change after the engagement and after the wedding. I diverge. I deem it is the opposite. I didn’t change after marriage before. I remained the same. It’s all in experience. If one should not hold someone’s past against them, then why are they carrying the mistakes of their past relationships too. That feels like a punishment to me. Are you just punishing each other?
When someone talks about loving you, accepting you, building a life with you, spending the rest of their life with you, why not marriage? Could you be content without marriage?
Younger couples of course want bigger weddings most of the time. At my age, I would be happy eloping, or something simple at night, on a mountain top.
When I speak of marriage, I am asked why it is so important to me? I have been down that road before. Most certainly I have, does that mean I should give up on my beliefs too? Does that mean that I should not want to fulfill my dreams?
Marriage is important to me for numerous reasons. I have not truly, truly been in love before to the extent where I found myself spending 24 hours a day with someone, where I missed their smell, their voice, their laugh, their face, their breath, their jokes, their snoring, every sense of their being. Wanting to take care of them and not wanting to see them hurt or struggle in any way. Or having someone care enough to try to cheer men up when I am not happy, someone that can respectfully call me out on my bullshit and still accepted for it. Someone that teaches me new things daily. Weird things, but very basic.
I believe in my heart I was meant to be a great wife, I believe that I am meant to spend the rest of my life with a forever partner in God's eyes and in mine, I believe marriage is a sense of belonging (I am not speaking of owning someone), I am stating a sense of being with that person forever for the world to know and see, a true lifetime commitment. I believe if two people truly love each other and want the same things in life, there are not obstacles in the way, what are they waiting for? If there are obstacles in the way, plan to overcome them.
There are other legalities that come into play with marriage, such as medical decisions, life decisions, legal benefits if your spouse is injured by a third party, life insurance policies, medical benefits, beneficiary benefits (even if your spouse is on disability and you are married for a year and your spouse passes away, they are entitled to receive a portion of your disability benefits for the duration of life and/or retirement age), tax benefits, it's easier to purchase a home and vehicle (joint financing), joint income, etc. NO these are not main reasons to get married, they are all legal reasons.
Some couples wait 10 years to marry and the marriage may last 2 years, some people meet and marry in a week and it may last a lifetime. I absolutely do NOT believe it is generational either. My great-grandparents were married from the time they were teenagers until they died, but on the other hand, I have a 31 year old cousin that has been married for over 10 years and with her husband since she was just over 18 years old, I have an ex relative, my age, who has been married to his spouse for 30 years. That is really 3 different generations.
In conclusion, sometimes you may not get it right the first time, or the second, but isn't that a true statement with all things? You keep trying. Shouldn't you stand up for what you believe in? Don't jump! Feel it out. If you know in your heart it's something you want, do it, if you know in your heart it is something that you don't want, think long and hard and you may want to consider letting the person go, that does have the hopes and dreams of marriage. Their forever person may be out there waiting for them.
We are all afraid of failure, but what, just what, if we once, succeed this time!
What if you don't take that chance and you miss out on the best thing that could have ever happened to you and your life?
As for me, currently, I am living day by day, seeing what tomorrow brings. Expressing my thoughts and feelings. Hoping that my post may bring comments, feedback or just help others along the way….AND FOR NOW NOT FOCUSING ON MARRIAGE OR THE PAST!
I intend on continuing to build a strong and healthy relationship
I recently read a blog post about: Clingy Thoughts, Emotions, and Behaviors
Written by Kyle Benson https://www.kylebenson.net/
In the blog it talks about being a clingy partner and insecurities in a relationship. When he was insecure he became clingy, basically because his partner was emotionally unavailable. When his partner was insecure, she became even more distant. This was one factor that led to the demise of the relationship.
As someone that really wants a healthy relationship, this article was very informative.
I highly recommend subscribing, reading and following.
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